It’s Been A Year.
Monday, November 29, 2021- I woke up and I could not breathe correctly. To be clear, I do not have asthma or a health condition where that would be normal for me. I was struggling to breathe. My chest was just tight. After a few moments, I showered and with the water from my shower, my tears arrived. I cried intermittently the entire day. I cried that day. Some of my tears came rushing while I was having a conversation about my father with my sister. Hours later, my friend calmed me down while I was walking out of the post office into the busy loud Brooklyn streets, tears streaming down my face. More tears appeared while standing in the security line at the airport. I was losing my breath trying to control my pain. My chest was in pain. My face was ashy. I was was a cold fucking mess. Reality was hitting me. While sitting due to a layover, I realized that December was around the corner. This ‘whole ass production’ is better known as anxiety attacks. My season of grief began the previous December, and my heart and my head were finally catching up to each other. I was scared.
Please note: No one around me noticed my tears. The new normal allows relatively quiet emotional outbursts to go unnoticed in public places. Masks. Go figure. Also, no one has time to stop and check on the emotional outbursts of others in New York City Boroughs. All the memes that make fun of this are absolutely true. Meh.
At the beginning of December 2020, I was feeling optimistic. The year 2020 for me (and you most likely) was about surviving physically and mentally. Social distancing was being practiced in my household and social circles. I was not traveling. It was a struggle, but by the end of the year, I was proud of myself. My mind was NOT falling apart. I was pivoting in my profession(s). I was pivoting with some personal relationships. I was ‘Adulting’, determined to become a better version of myself. I was falling into a rhythm of productivity. I even became a plant mom!
What does one do with themselves when their soulmate suddenly dies?
I consider grief to be my ‘sunken place’. A place where nothing seems fair, everything seems wrong. A lonely space where my mind races and my heart is hysterically upset about everything. A mental state of disappointment. At times when sitting in silence, I hear the faded sound of my screams and tears of despair...I see myself lying on the floor, pounding the ground in despair. This vision of myself replays in my mind, less often than a few months ago. It’s the scene of shock, anger, helplessness, and grief. It is an ugly moment.
What does one do with themselves when their soulmate suddenly dies?
I woke up every morning for quite a while after my Angie died and couldn’t figure out if it was a bad dream or my reality. My best friend of 21 years was gone. Just like that… gone. My life was disrupted. Although we didn’t talk every day, we had a routine of communication. We had a bond of sisterhood that we mutually created, cultivated, and nurtured. We invested in our friendship and reaped the rewards of chosen sisterhood for two decades. The thought that it would end via death before the age of 40 never crossed my mind. Never. Our conversations consisted of plans. We were planning birthday trips. Then one day that changed. I was emotionally gutted.
What does one do with themselves when their soulmate suddenly dies?
Persevere.
Definition: A continued effort to do or achieve something despite difficulties, failure, or opposition; the action or condition or an instance of persevering: STEADFASTNESS
Nowadays, whenever the topic of my book comes up and I am asked what inspired me to write it, I simply reply, “I had to write it for myself. I thought I was writing it for my clients. Now I know that’s not the full truth.” I imagine that it may sound arrogant, but it’s absolutely the truth. During the time of writing the book, I had a few heavy thoughts on my mind and in my heart. The writing was the release that I needed. It turns out that the chapter called Perseverance has proven to be a tool for me in reminding myself of how to get back up when I suffer from grief due to the loss of a loved one.
In addition to the chapter PERSEVERANCE, the following twenty tools are helping me to persevere through my grief:
Long conversations about my various emotions without reservation with people that I can trust
Laughing with my Sisters about our Parents and their shenanigans
Journaling and Blogging
Podcasting
Working on collaborative projects and driving them to completion
Sleeping
Swimming
Music
Napping
Bouncing on my exercise ball
Texting with friends of Angie’s that miss her too
Traveling
Conversations with the kids in my life (i.e. God kids, nieces, nephews)
Being a committed, bougie plant mom
Quiet time to reflect, drink tea and talk to God
Monthly therapy sessions
Motivational sermons and speeches from thought-leaders that I respect
Practicing gratitude EVERY DAY
Drinking A Kale-based smoothie EVERY DAY
A daily shower for as long as I want
Persevere.
Please understand that the tools to persevere differ for everyone. The experience of grief differs for everyone and each loss feels different. The only part about it that is consistent is that if you are going through the human experience, it is inevitable. The intent of releasing this season is, to be honest with my online community about the reason for my podcast absence in 2021. Persevering is easier said than done. Some days are really hard compared to others. Some of those really hard days are damn near unbearable. Can you relate to any of these feelings:
Foreboding joy is a consistent mental battle for me.
Dating is much harder than it used to be.
When I receive really good news, I have a hard time celebrating. I miss my dearly departed.
Some days, I find myself in a state of sadness.
Tolerating toxic behavior patterns from family and friends has become next to impossible for me. (Some days are harder for them… not me.)
If you can relate to any of the feelings above, then you understand me a bit better and I understand you a bit too. Indeed, a part of me has died. I am juxtaposed; the same me, yet so different.
Once you have the opportunity to listen to Season III, I invite you to implement Quiet time to reflect, drink tea and talk to God too. If you have any advice to share, please email me. I’d love to hear from you. In the meantime, I encourage you to surround yourself with good people and good energy. Pursue good. Don’t forget about your purpose. The intentional thought to persevere is persevering. Think it. Do it. Repeat. I believe you can. I believe we can.
Open Minds. Open Hearts. Stay encouraged.
Persevere.
